Sigh

I fail. At a lot of things, blogging being only one of them. Another one is life. I pretty much fail at it.

So what has happened in this past month? Gee, I'm glad you asked. Although you probably didn't and you probably are going to regret that I pretended you did.

Okay, so, let's see. Maybe mid-June, I got this phone call from a friend of mine, and when I answered, said friend was like "Oh, hey, so I realized I kind of like you and we should go on a date" and I was like "Uh" because I was completely floored and also convinced that it was a joke but I agreed to it anyway in my daze of confusion and then we tried to make plans and didn't end up being able to do anything until late-ish July because I was busy and he was traveling to Missouri to rebuild homes in Joplin after the tornado and then HE was busy and all sorts of stuff got in the way, but we finally went out and it felt more like hanging out with a friend instead of actually dating but it was fun anyway. Oh and I also really had to pee and I walked into like four businesses and NONE OF THEM HAD BATHROOMS WTF. That is not relevant to the story, I just don't understand these businesses and the lack of toilet facilities.

Anyway, I had been feeling like crap about myself, I mean more than normal, and the date was nice at least because it made me feel special and cared about which was cool. But then I came back home and reality hit and my mom was like "Why do you smell like alcohol" and I said "I don't know because all I drank was water" and she was like "Well you smell like alcohol. What did you do?" and I said "Nothing?" and she said "I can tell you're hiding something from me" and I was like "WTF" so yeah. And then I started arguing with a friend of mine because we have issues to say the least, and my fun night was RUINED.

So then, that friend who I have been complaining about because he would go to a forum I am a part of and check if I was online and that skeeved me out but I don't want to say too much about him because I am pretty sure he found this blog and I don't want to cause MORE drama because I am sick of drama -- HIM, we are not talking really anymore. I mean, occasionally, but he was making me feel bad about myself and acting like he was blaming me for things that were happening in his life like his friends arguing amongst themselves and his  air conditioner breaking and even though I knew it was not my fault, I am very susceptible to guilt-tripping because of my previous relationship history in which I was conditioned to believe everything was my fault, so it made me upset and I mostly stopped talking to him. Especially since he is still not "over me" and that is always kind of awkward. SIGH.

SO THEN. My mom and I have been fighting kind of more often lately. See, here's the problem. She knows how to push my buttons. And I am notoriously bad at articulating myself ANYWAY, but when I get upset, my ability to explain things plummets and I am left floundering and crying and then my mom calls me a drama queen and says I need counseling which makes me cry harder because I know that if I could just explain myself, she would understand, but I just CAN'T, and then that makes me sound like an emo kid and then I wonder if I really DO need counseling, especially since it has been two years since I've gotten out of an abusive relationship and I STILL act the same way, so clearly I am fucked up in the head.

The drama really exploded a few days ago when I got this email that I was going to be getting my financial aid within the next two days. I decided to check my bank account because sometimes SDSU sends out emails about things they are going to do after they've actually done it. In doing this, I noticed there was a charge on my bank account which I hadn't made. So that was exciting, but it was late at night so I couldn't do anything about it until the following morning. Well, I woke up the next day and told my mom EVERY DETAIL, starting with the financial aid email (this is important) and the charge and whatnot. I guess I should have already said that my mom had been asking me when the tuition is due, and I kept telling her that I didn't know, and that there's no date posted for when it's due (I have deferred tuition payments, so I don't have to pay when I register like everyone else), but it's probably due sometime before the semester starts. Well, I checked my bank account later that day and noticed I miraculously had like 500 more dollars than I had the previous night. When I checked it out, I noticed it was a financial aid deposit from SDSU. Which really confused me, because the smallest of my deposits should have been 1100 dollars. Then I had a lightbulb moment, and I went and added up the financial aid I was due, and subtracted my tuition, and BAM. That was the 547 bucks that had been deposited into my account. This irritated my quite a bit, because I could probably get my loan money back but not the 1100 dollar Pell grant because that is government money, so I basically lost 600 bucks because my mom hadn't paid my tuition. So I texted her and told her she didn't have to pay tuition because SDSU already took it from my financial aid (probably not the best way to handle it, in hindsight). She calls me later, and starts out with "You never told me when it was due" and I was like "That's because I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT IS DUE. WHAT PART OF THAT IS DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND" and she says "Well, I'm not taking responsibility for this" and I said "FINE" and hung up because I am mature like that. But I was pissed! I had set up an account specifically for her so she could log in and pay the tuition, but I guess she had forgotten about it, and she was blaming me for all this and leaving me with less money than I was counting on for paying my car payments and my books and parking permit because, did I mention? I'm only working seven hours a week this semester, which is two hours more a week than last semester, which equates to about fifteen dollars more that I am making over my car payment. And since I only work FOUR FULL MONTHS, that means I make a grand total surplus of SIXTY DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I was really counting on that three thousand plus dollars to help me with my expenses. But instead, I only got a fraction of it, and was still expected to pay my loan money back even though I didn't get it. See, another thing that aggravates me is that my mom told me she's paying for four years of tuition only. Which means this is the last year, which means I was expecting her to pay this semester's tuition. So that was irritating. BUT. She's really only paying for two years, because when I was in community college, which BY THE WAY I went to to help save her money, I got free tuition, so it was extra frustrating that I was left with this burden because I already feel kind of gypped even though I would never tell her that, but I felt totally screwed for this semester.

Wow, that is a long and probably incoherent paragraph. But the story is not done yet. So she comes home later that day, and we get into this HUGE argument. I mean, huge. She is screaming and I am screaming and she is like 'I KNOW YOU THINK I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER" and I'm like "WHAT THE FUCK, WHEN DID I SAY THAT. ALL I SAID WAS THAT I THINK THIS IS MOSTLY YOUR FAULT" and she was all "FINE, IT'S ALL MY FAULT. HERE, TAKE ALL MY MONEY. ALL THE MONEY. BECAUSE I AM A SHITTY MOTHER AND I FUCK UP EVERYTHING" and I'm like "*sobs* I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE. PLEASE STOP" and dramatic stuff like that. And then she calls me a drama queen and says I need counseling as usual and then goes down the hall and doesn't come back out, also as usual. And then I find out that she has deposited $8000 into my account for no reason. So we start fighting the next day, and she's like "I don't want you to be inconvenienced in any way" and I keep telling her she is ridiculous and that I was just frustrated and I am sorry I thought it was mostly her fault and then she starts being mean and I start crying and she makes fun of me for crying and it is ugly and unpleasant.

So all that happened yesterday and the day before. Needless to say I wake up today and I am just feeling completely emotionally and physically drained, so I lay in bed all day and accomplish nothing but feeling worthless. Well, I also had a massage scheduled today for my birthday as a gift from my mother so I'm feeling all guilty as I go in, because I know she is all angry and hate-y towards me. Anyway, long story short, I don't feel good after the massage because my back is super tight and knotty because I am stressed ALL THE TIME, and for some reason I have a headache afterwards, too. When I got home, I just kind of sat down and drank some water because whoa, it was like 99 degrees and HUMID outside which did not help. And when my mom got home, she was decidedly not talking to me. Which is not good. It means she is angry, maybe not at me but just at life in general. So eventually she asks me how my massage was, and I very carefully answer it so as to make it seem like I enjoyed the massage more than I actually did without lying, because I don't want her to think I'm a complainer, ungrateful, or a liar. Well she eventually pries it out of me that I am sore and I have a headache from the massage, and she goes "Well you should have TOLD HER that it hurt you. And you probably haven't been drinking enough which is why you have a headache" in a totally unpleasant tone of voice, but I just let it go and tell her that the massage itself didn't actually hurt, it was just afterwards that it started to hurt. Anyway, we get in another argument because I didn't get any meat out for dinner, because she always yells at me when I mess the cupboards or freezer up when I'm looking through them, and I didn't want to make her angry so I just figured since I couldn't find chicken easily, that I would just buy dinner and she could help me find chicken for next week. Apparently that was the WRONG decision, because she was irritated and was like "I don't WANT to go out for dinner, so here is some money so you can get yourself dinner and I'll just have something here," which makes NO SENSE why she would be giving me money, so I refuse it and eventually have to stuff it back in her purse because she left it sitting out for me. And I told her she was ridiculous, which ended in an argument of course because everything ends in arguments. Anyway, around 6 pm, she went down the hall and hasn't come out since, and the lights are all off and I don't know whether or not I should go to bed because she might consider me being a drama queen by going to bed super early or she also might be getting irritated because maybe she is trying to sleep and my being awake down the hall with the light and TV on is making her angry. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Also my birthday is in a few days and I am totally not looking forward to it because all the bad things happen on my birthday and seeing how these past few days have been, I am just dreading what's going to happen on my birthday. And my mom asked me where I wanted to go eat out for dinner, but I don't know if that applies anymore since she seems to pretty much be repulsed by/unable to stand my presence and she gave me $8000 that I can't give back to her. And I don't know if I want to go anyway, because I don't know how much money she has. And if she even wants to be around me. And I don't know where to go anyway. And I have a night class that night, so I won't get home until late. So I guess I'll have to see what happens when I get home from class and try to judge the water from there.

Some good news, though. That boy, from the beginning of this post? Well, we went out on a few more dates, and we're actually dating regularly now, and he's like "I told you I liked you, and I'm not going anywhere" and he HASN'T and I met his parents and they like me and he is really super sweet to me and makes me feel good when I am around him, except for the panicky part of myself but that will have to be explained another time, because I think I've talked your ears off enough, for Christ's sake. But I guess the point is, it's not ALL horribly awful. Only most of it.