Warning: My Life is Stupid

DISCLAIMER: I am exhausted and upset, so this may be rife with profanity, grammar errors, and nonsensical comments/ideas.

I am not a happy person right now. I'm stuck in that stage where I feel like pretending nothing bad exists and going about my day, but I also feel like crying, but I also ALSO really want to talk about it.

I don't know how much I'll be able to get down without crying and I am NOT going to cry because that will just piss me off even more and it will make things worse. Plus I get all puffy-eyed and ugly and I sweat and feel like puking and it is just gross.

A little background:
I live with my mom. She's a single mother and I am an only child so it's always been just the two of us. Which is kind of cool, because she can be really awesome, except a lot of the time it sucks because she is very strict and there is no other voice or opinion in rules or punishments or whatever, just hers. It is essentially a dictatorship that  I believe is supposed to be benevolent but sometimes isn't. And there's no place for me to go, you know? I can't complain to Dad or Sister or Brother, or even Grandma. And that just gets frustrating. Oh, also, as a general rule, my mom fusses at me (with varying degrees of rage) at least once a day.

So tonight started out with me having to take a survey from my school about harassment and unwanted pursuit. Always a good way to start the night, to be reminded of times when I have been harassed/victimized by strangers and ex-boyfriends. In the middle of my survey, I had to go eat dinner. Now, food is a difficult area for me. I love food (with a couple notable exceptions like blue cheese and asparagus). But food has been a point of contention, frustration and general unpleasantness for a lot of my life. I am a very slender person, and I always have been, aside from the obligatory "fat-stage" as a kid which I went through at about age two. I went through a period when I was younger where I didn't eat very much. I would just get full easily and not have much of an appetite. This caused many fights with my mother. For a couple years, she assumed that (read: accused and harassed me about) I was anorexic. If I would go to the bathroom during a meal, she would ask me when I came back if I had gone and thrown up what I had eaten, or she would come and check on me in the bathroom to make sure I wasn't purging (I also have weak enamel on my teeth, which gave her even more "evidence" that I had multiple eating disorders). These fights and accusations over food upset me so much that I simply would not want to eat, either because I was too upset to be hungry or because I just wanted to avoid the fight altogether. Recently, I haven't been sleeping very well, and when I don't sleep well, I don't eat well, usually. I get hungry at odd times, I get full easily, and sometimes food just doesn't appeal to me at all. Last night, dinner just was not enjoyable. I barely ate anything, and decided I would just pack it up and have the food for lunch today, instead. Well, the same thing happened tonight.

Long story short, my mother yelled at me to just throw dinner out (she does it occasionally when this happens, and I always refuse). Not being in the mood to do this tonight, I walked to the trashcan and dumped everything on the plate in. Which proceeded to piss her off even more. Cutting out much yelling, the next notable event that happened was my mom giving me $200 to buy myself food, which I tried to give back and then, upon her refusal to take it back, also threw into the trash. Dramatic, I know. Cut out more yelling, and we've come to the part where she tells me she'll pay up to $3000 a month (wtf?) for me to find an apartment, and that 3k includes food, rent, utilities, gas, etc (because she "doesn't want me to have to do ANYTHING at all"). Maybe it's just me, but that seems a little ridiculous. Maybe I'm prideful, but I don't like accepting people's money. I've been going through incredibly tough financial times, like tough to the point where I may have to drop out of school because I won't be able to pay my car payment, meaning that I would need to sell my car which would make it so I couldn't get to school. In other words, this is Serious Shit. And like every time Serious Shit happens, Worse Shit comes along with it. My computer has been temperamental, not wanting to stay plugged in. I'll probably need to get it repaired, which costs a whole lot of money. My car needs new rear brakes and new front tires, as well as 30,000 mile service, all of which will cost around $1000. And then I still have my monthly car payments and gas I need to pay for, as well as car registration fees and oil changes and all that crap. I've had friends offer me money, offer to pay for my computer repairs or buy me a new computer or lend me money or whatever, and I don't like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to be in debt to friends. Even when a friend has told me that I have no obligation to repay him, and therefore wouldn't be in debt to him, I still feel uncomfortable. What if something goes wrong in our relationship? Talk about a difficult situation. How can I stop talking to him if he's given me money, or bought me a new computer, or whatever? I've been in romantic relationships that have turned sour where I've felt trapped, unable to get out. I don't want to be in that situation EVER again in any way. I just... I don't want money from people. Not even my mother. I even get uncomfortable and sometimes angry over gifts that I think are too extravagant. So her paying for my rent and stuff just seems ridiculous to me, and I don't want it. I'm probably being stupid, like I always am, but I just don't want it.

I don't know. This post is stupid. I don't even feel like I got anything out but I can't write any more. I'm sorry.

Ugh.