Shakespeare: The Aftermath

I had several mini panic attacks this morning.

The first one happened when I woke up and found out that my puppy had stolen and ripped up an entire roll of toilet paper, so there was toilet paper EVERYWHERE and I had NO TIME TO CLEAN IT UP because I had to do all the things in a short amount of time.

The second one happened when one of my group members, who said she normally gets to school at 8:15, but didn't show up for our 8:30 meeting until almost NINE.

The third happened when we had to set up the room. We had sooo much stuff to set up -- tables to move, garland/ivy to string, blue cellophane to put over lights, powerpoint presentations to get ready, music playlists to organize, costumes to put on, etc.

The fourth happened when we seated our classmates.

But after all was said and done?

I had a FREAKING BLAST. Everyone did so well, really got into their characters, no one forgot their lines, the audience was laughing the entire time, and my teacher said she didn't want it to end. It was amazing, and so much fun, and I want to do it AGAIN.

Shakespeare

My performance is in less than two days.

I'm kind of freaking out. But I have no time to freak out, because I have a Linguistics paper due tomorrow and tons of worksheets that I haven't even started yet and UGH so much work and I have no tiiiime to do any of it and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I AM GOING TO FAIL ALL THE THINGS.

Oh, and the worst part?

I am going to be wearing three layers, long sleeved shirts and pants during my performance, and it's going to be 80 degrees. SIGH.

Boo Who?

So yesterday was pretty rough for me, and I went to bed crying and all upset about life and thinking about how I should just stop caring about people because it only brings me hurt. I care so much about people, just as a general rule, and when bad things happen to people I love, it makes me hurt so much. And the worst is, when I can't cheer people up or make them happy, I take it personally. My mom is an unhappy person, and I feel like I can't make her happy ever since she says she never has and never will be happy, and it makes me feel horrible. Same with my ex boyfriend who was depressed.

I was just about to make the vow to not care about people anymore (unlikely it would have worked anyway, but in my tear-filled and emotional state, I was going to vow to never care about anyone ever again, dammit!), when I looked across the room and caught a glimpse of this:

Several years ago, maybe when I was 16 or something, I was in the library by my house, and I was standing in line at the desk to ask a question of one of the librarians. This woman, she looked to be down on her luck at the very least, possibly homeless as she was carrying a huge backpack, she needed to print something but she was missing a dime. She looked pretty distressed and upset about it, and the librarians just wouldn't let her print the damn whatever it was, so I got out my wallet, dug around and gave her a dime. That woman's face changed from distraught to overjoyed in about half a second. After a lot of thank-yous and god-bless-yous, she walked away and I faced the desk again. A few seconds later, she comes back up to me, catches my attention again, reaches into the side pocket of her backpack (like one of those places you're supposed to put a water bottle in) and pulls out that little owl and hands it to me. I told her no, I couldn't take that, but she pressed it into my hand and said one thing: "Just promise me you'll look at it, like when you're sad, and always think of something happy." 

I will NEVER forget that woman, and how the one small kindness I showed her out of sheer care for humanity seemed to really have just made her whole damn day. And I still have the owl, obviously, after all these years. And every time I look at it, I think of her, and it makes me smile, and it reminds me that people ARE worth caring about. Because even though you can get hurt, simply caring enough to spare a dime, or even a smile, to someone can mean the world, and making someone happy makes my heart fill up with so much love and happiness. All the hurt in the world couldn't take that away. 

Small victories of the day #4 and #5

#4: I successfully (and accidentally) freaked out my mailman when I walked outside with my face partially painted blue. I had completely forgotten I had the stuff on my face. He looked at me like "WHAT THE FUCK" and sort of backed away, and I looked at him weirdly and walked back in the house. Then I saw my face in the mirror.

#5: I got a weird text from someone I haven't talked to in months that said, and I quote: "Hey send me your last name i knw u." So I sent that to my best friend and our conversation went thusly:

Eric: Don't be a pussy. This seems legit. (referencing this:

Me: IS THERE FREE CANDY INVOLVED?

Eric: Of course. Do it, faggot. (referencing this:  

Me: There's a van that just drove by that looks like a free candy van. Where's the 4chan party van when you need it? (referencing this: 

Eric: Behind you.

Me: OH SHI-

We are awesome and I love us.

 

Bloggin'

I just forced myself to stay awake to write a guest post for my friend's blog.

Now I am too tired to write something on my own. Ah, life.

Small victories of the day #3

I am now the... proud? I wouldn't say proud. But I am now the owner of a full Avatar costume. Yeah, the blue people. But that is not the victory. The victory is, I got a $50 Avatar costume for $15. Ooohhh yeeeaaahhh.

Small victories of the day #2

I forgot to do this earlier.

Also I'm so tired, I typed "#w" not "#2"

Anyway, I put on bright blue (like peacock feather blue) eyeliner and it looked super pretty and it made a shitty morning less shitty. I'm a simple girl.

I'm too tired for this shit.

I am SO TIRED but I can't go to sleep because my cat is being the Hulk and Hulksmashing my life (seriously, he just knocked over ALL THE THINGS on my dresser) and my friend's friend who he hasn't talked to in 12 years killed himself and somehow he thinks it is his fault because he is a NARCISSIST because seriously, you haven't talked to the guy in 12 years. You don't even remember his last name. I doubt you had ANYTHING to do with him killing himself. THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU.

Okay that was kind of mean but I AM A BITCH sometimes, especially when I'm tired. Like my dog just fell off the bed and I laughed at him instead of checking if he was okay. And then I called him a fatty. He's pretending like he can't jump on the bed so he's trying to climb up it. Don't be stupid, fatty. Jump. Stupid dog.

If the puppy wakes up tonight and barks for another hour and doesn't let me sleep, I might just jump off a building.

Sometimes when I'm tired, I'll come across this revelation that nobody cares about but I think it's the coolest thing. Like I just realized "this" and "shit" are kind of palindromes. Except they're those things that you rearrange and make new words. Anagrams? I think that's what they're called. And there's that game called Bananagrams that I dunno how it works but it comes in a bag shaped like a BANANA. I find that fascinating.

God, what the fuck? Am I broken?

OH speaking of God, so I was going to go to church tonight just for shits and giggles at the old mission down here (California's First Mission!) and I took a wrong turn and ended up at Qualcomm Stadium where the best team in the NFL, the San Diego Chargers, play. And then I went to the mall. I clearly have my priorities straight.

Ugh friend whose friend died is like "I just want to see you face to face" which means I need to get on a skype call with him. I am not awake enough for this. I will probably say something rude but I warned him.

This really had no point, huh?

Small victories of the day #1

My eyelashes look AMAZING today.

Because sometimes I need a reminder...

Stolen from http://lacigreen.tv/

How to improve self-esteem:

1. Stop reading fashion magazines/body building magazines/stupid shit that glorifies unrealistic bodies.These are a huge culprit for poor body image. By bombarding you with unrealistic images, it’s easier to sell you things to fix yourself. The continued viewing of these images conditions us into the ideal of the magazine instead of an ideal that is healthy for our various body shapes.

2. Spend time naked. Routinely and as MUCH as you can! It helped me to get comfortable in my own skin. At first it felt awkward, but over the last year, I’ve come to love being naked with myself. Check out your body in the mirror. Don’t criticize, just explore. Identify all of the marks, spots, and bumps that are unique to you.

3. Exercise and eat well. Take care of your body so that it can take care of you. Learn to cook (YouTube has a TON of great tutorials and recipes!) so that you can feed it yummy, healthy foods. Save the salty, sugary, fatty foods for special occasions. These are hard on your body and will make you feel icky. Also strive to get at least a half hour of activity every day. If you’re like me, it helps to change up the activity so you don’t get bored!

4. When you notice yourself making judgment calls about your own body or other peoples’ bodies, step back and think about it. When I first started this, it was a near constant inner dialogue to work through my concepts of bodies and beauty. Consciously correct yourself before you move on. Remind yourself why it’s unproductive to judge, affirm your self love, and set a precedent to be more positive next time. This exercise works to build your self-awareness. The more self-aware you are, the easier it is to let go of the negative influences around you. I think this had the most effect for me.

5. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. Get rid of friends that expect you to live up to a certain physical standard and/or judge you for your body – I’ve found these aren’t real friends. They are offering you a relationship contingent on your physical appearance. If you are striving to accept and love yourself, it naturally follows that you need to be in the presence of people who do the same. If you notice your friends being body negative, use it as an opportunity to start a conversation about their judgment. With continued conversation, your friends might hop on board toward a healthier view of themselves and others right along with you!