I just finished remembering everything my first ex-boyfriend did to me all in one big thought explosion. I haven't thought about that all at once since it happened. Usually when I explain what happened, I say "Oh yeah, he treated me like shit, called me a bitch, stuff like that." Not this time. I wrote it all down, what I could remember, in as best detail as I could get out. I am not good at articulating myself. But now it is out there.
And I am shaking. I am shaking and my stomach hurts and my head feels funny. Possibly from the two shots of bourbon I just slammed. I do not take shots normally. Also I have only eaten a handful of chocolate today. But I am sweating and sneezing and it is like my body is trying to get rid of everything inside me along with my story, like a mass catharsis of my mind, soul and body.
The worst part is that there is still more of my story I need to get out.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Dog
We have a really really old dog. She's like, 13 or 15 or something ridiculous like that. She is grumpy and hard of hearing. She recently has been packing on the pounds and now is all fat. Her breathing is hindered by her weight, but she eats and drinks constantly. She also has something wrong in her urinary system, because she goes to the bathroom at least every hour if she is not locked away in a crate or sleeping.
All the time for the past several months, my mom goes nuts at her. She yells at her for eating, drinking, snorting while breathing, scavenging for food, not walking fast enough, not responding when you call her name, peeing on the floor, etc. She says she hates the dog, and curses at her. She says she wants to take her collar off and let her loose. She says she wants to throw her out in the middle of the street so she can get run over. She constantly talks about how she can't take it anymore and she hates the dog so much and she can't wait until she dies.
Last night, she threw the dog outside (not actually literally, but if she had it wouldn't have surprised me) and said she never wanted her in the house again. She said she would die out there, because she constantly eats and drinks and there's no food or water outside, and that it would be cold, and that when she was finally dead, that I would have to deal with the body.
Today she calls me in tears because she's made an appointment to put the dog down tomorrow. She tells me to let her inside and let her eat and drink all she wants because she only has a few hours left to live, and she's sobbing the whole time.
I feel like I'm constantly miserable. Either she is screaming about how much she hates and wants to kill the dog, or she is crying about putting her down. She wants to know if I want to go with her to euthanize the dog tomorrow. I don't even know what to do. My head hurts and I feel sick and I am just so miserable here. It is absolutely awful to be around this.
All the time for the past several months, my mom goes nuts at her. She yells at her for eating, drinking, snorting while breathing, scavenging for food, not walking fast enough, not responding when you call her name, peeing on the floor, etc. She says she hates the dog, and curses at her. She says she wants to take her collar off and let her loose. She says she wants to throw her out in the middle of the street so she can get run over. She constantly talks about how she can't take it anymore and she hates the dog so much and she can't wait until she dies.
Last night, she threw the dog outside (not actually literally, but if she had it wouldn't have surprised me) and said she never wanted her in the house again. She said she would die out there, because she constantly eats and drinks and there's no food or water outside, and that it would be cold, and that when she was finally dead, that I would have to deal with the body.
Today she calls me in tears because she's made an appointment to put the dog down tomorrow. She tells me to let her inside and let her eat and drink all she wants because she only has a few hours left to live, and she's sobbing the whole time.
I feel like I'm constantly miserable. Either she is screaming about how much she hates and wants to kill the dog, or she is crying about putting her down. She wants to know if I want to go with her to euthanize the dog tomorrow. I don't even know what to do. My head hurts and I feel sick and I am just so miserable here. It is absolutely awful to be around this.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Hope
It has been a few days.
Things seem back to normal. The other day she showed she actually does care, at least a little, when she thought I tripped and fell and smacked my head and died or something. I didn't do anything aside from open the door onto my dog's head so it made a loud noise, but it proved that she actually cared enough to get scared I wasn't okay.
The only thing is, I got off my sleeping schedule because I wasn't sleeping well after that, and now I need to try to get back into it. That is The Worst, getting off sleep schedules. I overslept this morning and could not shower. Then I was exhausted at 5 pm but I am kind of awake not and it is almost 11:30.
Today sucked slightly though. An old friend contacted me, except we are not really friends anymore. He had heard I had a bad week and he wanted to check up on me. There is a lot of back story with said ex-friend that I am too physically and mentally tired to explain now, but let's just say there is not exactly good blood between us. So he is asking me what happened, and I tell him I am poorer than dirt and not making enough money to even cover my car payment and my mom drama, and he offers me a loan. That's nice, kinda awkward because we aren't friends anymore and haven't talked in months, but nice. I thanked him and told him I would keep it in mind (except I would NEVER BORROW FROM HIM EVER). Then he follows up with this gem:
...
Really? I just told you I am working 5 hours a week at 8.50 an hour, and you tell me you are making a hundred bucks an hour? And that Cornell University is giving you $4500 dollars for free? And the FAFSA gave you tons of free financial aid you don't need while you know I only got loans? Really?
Needless to say, I am not too happy at this point, but it gets worse.
Long awkward silence later, he says he should leave to go study for finals (or rather, pretend to study for finals because "he doesn't like making people feel stupid so he has to keep up appearances that he actually works hard"...), and I tell him bye and congrats on making it into Cornell.
Then, this:
Aside from the fact that he is being a braggart, which I can roll my eyes at and deal with, there goes the money issue. I have to pay for my fucking books, my fucking parking permit, my fucking EVERYTHING except tuition, yet he makes it into an Ivy League school for an exclusive summer program that is all paid for and he earns a stipend too. Really? Really? You are going to bring up money again?
Then when I told him he was lucky, he says that he is just "mexican, poor, first-generation immigrant, and autodidactic genius."
That is when I told him I needed to leave. You do not contact me under the pretense of being concerned and then gloat about your money and your exclusive summer program you were admitted to for free. What the fuck is your problem, for real.
Aside from that minor idiocy, it has been a pretty good day. I am tired and sore, but I am alive. And I have hope.
Things seem back to normal. The other day she showed she actually does care, at least a little, when she thought I tripped and fell and smacked my head and died or something. I didn't do anything aside from open the door onto my dog's head so it made a loud noise, but it proved that she actually cared enough to get scared I wasn't okay.
The only thing is, I got off my sleeping schedule because I wasn't sleeping well after that, and now I need to try to get back into it. That is The Worst, getting off sleep schedules. I overslept this morning and could not shower. Then I was exhausted at 5 pm but I am kind of awake not and it is almost 11:30.
Today sucked slightly though. An old friend contacted me, except we are not really friends anymore. He had heard I had a bad week and he wanted to check up on me. There is a lot of back story with said ex-friend that I am too physically and mentally tired to explain now, but let's just say there is not exactly good blood between us. So he is asking me what happened, and I tell him I am poorer than dirt and not making enough money to even cover my car payment and my mom drama, and he offers me a loan. That's nice, kinda awkward because we aren't friends anymore and haven't talked in months, but nice. I thanked him and told him I would keep it in mind (except I would NEVER BORROW FROM HIM EVER). Then he follows up with this gem:
Yeah I currently have a job that pays around a bit over $100 an hour and then Cornell is giving me $4500 and then Fafsa is still giving all the money I would have needed for school and living and stuff...And I suck at having money (I bought a $400 tv last weekend and now i have a tv under my bed) so Im really looking for ways to not have access to my own money.
...
Really? I just told you I am working 5 hours a week at 8.50 an hour, and you tell me you are making a hundred bucks an hour? And that Cornell University is giving you $4500 dollars for free? And the FAFSA gave you tons of free financial aid you don't need while you know I only got loans? Really?
Needless to say, I am not too happy at this point, but it gets worse.
Long awkward silence later, he says he should leave to go study for finals (or rather, pretend to study for finals because "he doesn't like making people feel stupid so he has to keep up appearances that he actually works hard"...), and I tell him bye and congrats on making it into Cornell.
Then, this:
Its just a summer program...that only accepts 12 studnets from the nation...and is all paid for...and then they pay me too... :)
Aside from the fact that he is being a braggart, which I can roll my eyes at and deal with, there goes the money issue. I have to pay for my fucking books, my fucking parking permit, my fucking EVERYTHING except tuition, yet he makes it into an Ivy League school for an exclusive summer program that is all paid for and he earns a stipend too. Really? Really? You are going to bring up money again?
Then when I told him he was lucky, he says that he is just "mexican, poor, first-generation immigrant, and autodidactic genius."
That is when I told him I needed to leave. You do not contact me under the pretense of being concerned and then gloat about your money and your exclusive summer program you were admitted to for free. What the fuck is your problem, for real.
Aside from that minor idiocy, it has been a pretty good day. I am tired and sore, but I am alive. And I have hope.
Friday, March 11, 2011
She won't even sit in the same room as me. Not even to eat dinner.
She has barely spoken to me since she got home, and ignores half of what I say anyway.
My dog is cowering in the corner, and no one is even talking, let alone yelling.
This house is toxic.
I want to leave but I have no where to go. I don't want to tell my best friend about this because I don't want his parents to try to get involved or something. I want to talk to her but I am too afraid she will ignore me or she will tell me she doesn't care again.
I think I might go for a drive. I can't afford the gas but I need to be somewhere else. Maybe I will leave a note if she even bothers to come out and check when she hears my car start. Maybe I will drive out to the beach and look at the water. I don't want her to get mad though, if I just leave. I am afraid of her, afraid of what she will do if I go, even for an hour. I just feel trapped, trapped in my own house, in my own head. And I just want out, whatever it takes.
She has barely spoken to me since she got home, and ignores half of what I say anyway.
My dog is cowering in the corner, and no one is even talking, let alone yelling.
This house is toxic.
I want to leave but I have no where to go. I don't want to tell my best friend about this because I don't want his parents to try to get involved or something. I want to talk to her but I am too afraid she will ignore me or she will tell me she doesn't care again.
I think I might go for a drive. I can't afford the gas but I need to be somewhere else. Maybe I will leave a note if she even bothers to come out and check when she hears my car start. Maybe I will drive out to the beach and look at the water. I don't want her to get mad though, if I just leave. I am afraid of her, afraid of what she will do if I go, even for an hour. I just feel trapped, trapped in my own house, in my own head. And I just want out, whatever it takes.
Tattoos
I woke up this morning surrounded by used tissues with a bottle of wine and a bottle of Baileys in my bed. Clearly I had a rough night.
I skipped school today and slept. I woke up for real around 12:30 pm. It's 2 pm now, and my eyes still hurt from crying last night.
I spent the last couple hours looking at apartments. I figure, I'll try to talk to my mom today, and if she still insists that we can't live together, then I will move out. It is unfair for her to move into an apartment and leave the house to me. I don't belong alone in 3 bedroom house. That is just silly. I found about four that I liked well enough. They are pretty cheap, all under 900 a month for a one bedroom. It's tough to find them, though, because I have a dog and cat that will be coming with me. I have a guinea pig too, but I may have to sneak him in. He is small enough and his cage looks enough like a dog cage that I might just be able to get away with it.
I never thought I would ever come to a point like this. You hear of those kids who get kicked out of the house because their parents can't live with them anymore. They are usually drug addicts, gang members, badly behaved, etc. I was always a well-behaved child. I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't a hellion. I got pretty good grades and I never did drugs. I guess somewhere along the way, I messed up badly enough to lead my mom to think we can't live together anymore. If I do have to move, I will have to do some serious soul-searching to make myself be a more tolerable person.
I think when all this is over, and I have the money, the first tattoo I am getting is of a phoenix. If I can make it out of this alive, I think that will be fitting. A good reminder that I can be strong. Because I am not a strong person. I will not be surprised if this breaks me. But somehow, if I can hold it together, and rise up out of the ashes of my fucked-up life, then maybe, just maybe, I can conquer anything.
I skipped school today and slept. I woke up for real around 12:30 pm. It's 2 pm now, and my eyes still hurt from crying last night.
I spent the last couple hours looking at apartments. I figure, I'll try to talk to my mom today, and if she still insists that we can't live together, then I will move out. It is unfair for her to move into an apartment and leave the house to me. I don't belong alone in 3 bedroom house. That is just silly. I found about four that I liked well enough. They are pretty cheap, all under 900 a month for a one bedroom. It's tough to find them, though, because I have a dog and cat that will be coming with me. I have a guinea pig too, but I may have to sneak him in. He is small enough and his cage looks enough like a dog cage that I might just be able to get away with it.
I never thought I would ever come to a point like this. You hear of those kids who get kicked out of the house because their parents can't live with them anymore. They are usually drug addicts, gang members, badly behaved, etc. I was always a well-behaved child. I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't a hellion. I got pretty good grades and I never did drugs. I guess somewhere along the way, I messed up badly enough to lead my mom to think we can't live together anymore. If I do have to move, I will have to do some serious soul-searching to make myself be a more tolerable person.
I think when all this is over, and I have the money, the first tattoo I am getting is of a phoenix. If I can make it out of this alive, I think that will be fitting. A good reminder that I can be strong. Because I am not a strong person. I will not be surprised if this breaks me. But somehow, if I can hold it together, and rise up out of the ashes of my fucked-up life, then maybe, just maybe, I can conquer anything.
I cuddled a box of tissues tonight
My eyes hurt.
My face hurts.
My heart hurts.
My life hurts.
I just want this to all go away.
When I was little, I prayed to God for my mom to just be happy. It didn't work. It still hasn't.
Sometimes it makes me wonder. Especially now that I am rethinking everything I believe in. Does God exist? There are so many people in the world who think so, and sometimes it seems pragmatic at the very least for me to believe so. But then if I do, I have to wrestle with that. Why were my prayers never answered? Was he just not listening? Did he just not care? Does he just not love me like he loves everyone else? I didn't even pray for myself. I just want my mother to be happy for once in her life. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes I think if I were gone, she would finally be happy.
Maybe that is the message God was sending me.
My face hurts.
My heart hurts.
My life hurts.
I just want this to all go away.
When I was little, I prayed to God for my mom to just be happy. It didn't work. It still hasn't.
Sometimes it makes me wonder. Especially now that I am rethinking everything I believe in. Does God exist? There are so many people in the world who think so, and sometimes it seems pragmatic at the very least for me to believe so. But then if I do, I have to wrestle with that. Why were my prayers never answered? Was he just not listening? Did he just not care? Does he just not love me like he loves everyone else? I didn't even pray for myself. I just want my mother to be happy for once in her life. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes I think if I were gone, she would finally be happy.
Maybe that is the message God was sending me.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Questions
I had something that I started writing out, but I started thinking and there went THAT whole project.
I never used to be such a thinker. I was never one to sit around and "ponder the mysteries of the universe" or whatever the fuck. I still don't do that, but I am thinking a lot more lately. The problem with thinking is, I never come up with answers to my questions. I only ever come up with more questions.
For example, I remember once when I was dating one of my ex-boyfriends. He was a real philosophizer type, asked questions about everything. The only question I ever had during the course of our relationship was whether or not I should break up with him. I would sit and ponder, list the good parts and the bad parts of our relationship (the bad always outnumbered the good), and come to a decision. Except... trying to answer THAT question would bring up more questions, like "Do I really deserve better?" "Why did I start going out with him in the first place?" "Am I really making this mistake AGAIN?" etc.
Over the past few days (months, really, but a lot more in the past few days), I have come up with a lot of questions that are really bothering me.
Why am I so unmotivated this semester?
What happens if I can't pay my car payment?
What if my mom DOES kick me out? Where will I go?
Am I making the right decisions with my life?
etc.
But the one that is bothering me the most?
How do you tell someone you love them if they don't want to believe you?
I never used to be such a thinker. I was never one to sit around and "ponder the mysteries of the universe" or whatever the fuck. I still don't do that, but I am thinking a lot more lately. The problem with thinking is, I never come up with answers to my questions. I only ever come up with more questions.
For example, I remember once when I was dating one of my ex-boyfriends. He was a real philosophizer type, asked questions about everything. The only question I ever had during the course of our relationship was whether or not I should break up with him. I would sit and ponder, list the good parts and the bad parts of our relationship (the bad always outnumbered the good), and come to a decision. Except... trying to answer THAT question would bring up more questions, like "Do I really deserve better?" "Why did I start going out with him in the first place?" "Am I really making this mistake AGAIN?" etc.
Over the past few days (months, really, but a lot more in the past few days), I have come up with a lot of questions that are really bothering me.
Why am I so unmotivated this semester?
What happens if I can't pay my car payment?
What if my mom DOES kick me out? Where will I go?
Am I making the right decisions with my life?
etc.
But the one that is bothering me the most?
How do you tell someone you love them if they don't want to believe you?
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