My eyes hurt.
My face hurts.
My heart hurts.
My life hurts.
I just want this to all go away.
When I was little, I prayed to God for my mom to just be happy. It didn't work. It still hasn't.
Sometimes it makes me wonder. Especially now that I am rethinking everything I believe in. Does God exist? There are so many people in the world who think so, and sometimes it seems pragmatic at the very least for me to believe so. But then if I do, I have to wrestle with that. Why were my prayers never answered? Was he just not listening? Did he just not care? Does he just not love me like he loves everyone else? I didn't even pray for myself. I just want my mother to be happy for once in her life. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes I think if I were gone, she would finally be happy.
Maybe that is the message God was sending me.
Hm. I believe in God, but he definitely doesn't answer my prayers very often, either. And most of my prayers are for other people's happiness. I have never really thought to blame God for all of the shit that goes down on earth-- I guess I always figured that we are a bunch of fuckers interacting with more fuckers, and things are bound to get messed up.
ReplyDeleteI can't really give you any thoughts on the mother situation, because my mom never wanted me around, and I think your mom is different. I think I would tell my lid that space is always good, but not so much space that you can't close the distance with a hug.
Like, for instance, we live way too far apart.
Sigh...and I would tell my kid that. Not any sort of fucking lid.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahaa, I was so confused. "Lid? Lid? What.. lid?"
ReplyDeleteI think tonight I am going to try to talk to her, calmly. Although I didn't get much sleep so we will see how well THAT goes.